Just Do It!  God's Way
A Biblical and Research-Based Guide to Education for Premarital Chastity
        A supplementary Curriculum Guide for Sex Education
                            Grades 7-9

            Content Resource for Parents and Teachers

   Karen M. Flowers, General Conference Department of Family Ministries
                             Copyright ©  1998


Note:  This content resources provides an overview of what Alberta Mazat, marriage and family
therapist, specialist in human sexuality, former chair of the Loma Linda Department of Marriage
and Family Therapy, and author of numerous books on sexuality, calls the Ladder of Love.  An
overview of the entire "ladder" is provided, although it goes well beyond the experience of
students in grades 7-9 and the information appropriate for teaching at this age level.  It is
provided to give the teacher a sense for what lies ahead in sex education at the next levels, as
well as a broad understanding of the concepts undergirding this curriculum.


                        The Ladder of Love

The concept of human bonding is as old as the creation story when God brought together the first
pair in marriage.  The Scripture formula is articulated in Genesis 2:24-25:

     For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will
become one flesh.

     The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

This passage places a magnifying glass on the later stages of the human bonding process, the
stages to be completed as the process narrows more specifically to commitment to a life partner
and within the covenant of marriage.  However, the importance of bonding in the human
experience begins far earlier.


The Mother-Child Bond

The first bond a human being forms is with his or her mother.  It is a bond formed in the womb
and extended into the first months of life when the child is scarcely aware of any boundaries
between them.

The importance of this bond has been underscored in the work of researchers like John Bowlby,
famous for his studies of the mother/child bond.  He concludes that the strong tie that forms
between the mother and the child within the first 12 months of an infant's life is the child's first
human relationship and is the "foundation stone of his personality."  In studies of infants
separated from their mothers at birth and institutionalized, many children showed permanent
impairment.  Some even deteriorated "to the mental level of imbeciles at the end of the second
year and showed no response to the appearance of a human figure."


The Father-Child Bond

In the ideal, the baby is not long in making the discovery that there is another nurturing, caring
individual in his/her life who can be counted on to respond to up-stretched arms or cries for help. 
Dr. Jack Raskin, child psychiatrist at Children's Orthopedic Hospital in Seattle, writes of the
importance of early parent-child bonding:

     No psychological event is as important as the bonding that occurs between mother and child
in the first moments of the child's life.  Then a beautiful ballet begins to unfold, as the mother
gets in tune with her child through the days and weeks which follow.  Fathers, too, form an
attachment to their babies, and this maternal and paternal attachment becomes the basis for
healthy personality growth.

Many hospitals now encourage fathers to enter into the birthing process through participation in
natural childbirth classes, and by being present throughout the entire process from the beginning
of labor through several hours after birth.  We now know the importance of the first 2-3 hours
after birth in the establishment of parent-child bonds.  Babies who are allowed to fixate on their
parents' faces, who are held close, skin to skin with father and mother, will bond to their parents
with attachments that will be evident into adulthood.

God has opened this unique bonding window by providing babies with several physical
capabilities during this brief period that they will not again exhibit for many weeks.  For the first
2-3 hours after birth, babies can focus clearly at a distance of about 10 inches just about the
distance from a parent's arm to his/her face.  They are attuned to high pitched voices, the natural
voices parents use without prompting to speak to their newborns.  During this time period, babies
will mimic the facial expressions of their parents such as sticking out a tongue.  And they are
particularly responsive to gentle caressing and warm expressions of loving care.  For the most
part, if you put parents and their newborns together, they need little coaching about bonding. 
They simply play out God's built-in script still imprinted on parents and their children from
Eden.

It is in the context of early parent-child bonds that children resolve positively or negatively Erik
Erikson's first crisis of psychosocial development trust vs. mistrust.  As Dr. Ruth Murdoch,
professor of child development at Andrews University for many years, explains, the child
emerges from babyhood with one of two perspectives on the world.  In the healthiest scenario,
he/she concludes that the world is a pretty friendly place, that someone may not come right away,
but if you make your needs known, you can count on someone to meet them.  Or, in the worst
case, his experience has taught him that you can cry and cry and cry and nobody will come.

Many young parents today have had the marvelous experience of bonding with their children
immediately after birth and in the early weeks and months of infancy.  For those who have not
been as intentional about bonding with their children as they might have been, perhaps because
they were not aware of the importance, well-known Christian parenting specialist Dr. Bruce
Narramore has good news.  He notes that his research (not yet published) indicates a second
bonding-window has been opened by God just prior to adolescence.  During this period, if
parents are intentional about strengthening their bonds with their children, an unusual
responsiveness on the part of the child is often apparent.


Sibling Bond

The next significant bonds in the life of the child are those formed with siblings.  As the child
becomes more aware of life around him, he discovers to his delight that there are other creatures
in his family circle.  Perhaps they are not quite so accommodating as mother and father, but for
the most part they provide a great deal of entertainment and joy.

It is with siblings that children in healthy families will establish strong bonds across life,
friendship bonds that would be inappropriate across the generation line with parents. 
Socialization begins in earnest as siblings work out the stresses and strains of learning to share,
to communicate, to resolve the problems of everyday life in close relationship.  It is in the family
circle that a person's sense of personal worth is developed.  It is born of the spiritual message that
human worth is not earned, but bestowed.  Each child is precious not because of who they are or
anything they have done, but because of who Jesus is and what He has done.  Self-worth is also
born of a growing sense of competence, validated first in the family and then by a growing circle
of significant others outside the family during each stage of the Ladder of Love.


Same-Sex Peers

As the world of the child expands, the most significant bonds of middle childhood are formed
with same-sex peers.  It is during this period that boys think girls have cooties, and girls find
boys the most disgusting creatures on earth.  Ron and Karen Flowers, co-directors of the General
Conference Department of Family Ministries, tell the story of a club their sons formed during
this period which met in their tree house.  It was an all-boy club, with the exception of one girl
who was accorded membership only because her brother was not allowed to come over unless
she could come too.  In the family archives is a solemn contract drawn up by the boys and signed
by Carolyn Jane, promising, on penalty of expulsion from the club, that she would never, under
any circumstances behave like a girl!  Also in papers dating to that era in their boys' lives are
drawings of girl-eating machines.  You crank the girls in one end, they are put through all
manner of tortures on a conveyor belt in between, and emerge as sausages from the other end.

The significant tasks of this time period and these relationships are basic socialization tasks.  It is
during this period that children learn basic manners, i.e., that picking your nose in unacceptable
in public and not to use your shirttail for a napkin.  It is during this period that children who are
progressing healthily work out some basic skills toward getting along with others, resolving
problems, handling anger, making their needs known and showing concern for the needs of
others, etc.  Apart from the lessons and skills learned in relationship to same-sex peers,
relationships with opposite-six peers will likely develop far less gracefully.


Opposite-Sex Peers

For the most part, the next rung on the ladder is as predictable as green leaves coming out on the
trees in the Spring.  Inevitably the era of same-sex friends will give way in later childhood to
attraction to the opposite sex.  All of a sudden, it often seems, girls first usually, and then boys,
sit up and take notice of one another.  Those disgusting creatures become the focus of much
teasing and attention-getting behavior, the cooties vanish into thin air and curves and smiles
become much more interesting.  And with the coming of puberty, all this takes on the
intentionality of a lion running down a gazelle.

It is at this stage that the differentiation process from parents becomes the most urgent business,
as adolescents seek to become their own persons and establish their own identity.  It is also the
stage at which young people become the most vulnerable to peer pressure and to the media
messages impacting them from every side from the society around them.  Pressure and messages
which have led many young people to become sexually active, often with many partners.

Friendship Dating.  Since the pressure is so powerful to begin dating in our society, perhaps
redefining the dating process to better meet the needs of adolescents would be more helpful than
fighting the trend.  Friendship dating is a term that could be given to all the group activities for
mixed groups that could be provided by parents, churches and schools.  These activities fill the
powerful need expressed by adolescents to be together without encouraging the intense one-on-
one relationships which will inevitably develop if this need is not met.  You may wish to
dialogue with your pastor, youth leaders, parents, and fellow teachers about how your
community of faith can provide more opportunities for such fellowship among the adolescents in
your church and school.  It is during this period that young people surmount their awkwardness
in mixed company, learn to communicate with one another with greater ease, explore the kinds
of persons and interests they enjoy, and expand their circles of significant others beyond the
family.  It is a crucial period in the process of developing their capacities to eventually bond
permanently with one partner for life.  It encompasses the kinds of relationships appropriate for
junior-high students.

Random Dating.  In later adolescence, dating appropriately narrows on some occasions to dates
with a single person, however, in the best scenario, these outings are with a number of
individuals rather than with just one.  It is during this time period that relational skills are further
refined and the intentional search for the kind of person with whom the adolescent would like to
spend the ret of his/her life begins.  Evaluative criteria for relationships which have the potential
for selection of a life partner emerge more specifically.  Does this person share my commitment
to Christ?  Do we have a common life vision?  What interests do we share?  Can we
communicate openly?  Do we enjoy one another's company?  Can we accept one another's
differences?  What skills do we have to resolve conflicts as they arise?  As we will see, these
relationships become the selection circle from which a life partner will eventually be chosen. 
Because by nature, these relationship intensify in their physical, emotional, intellectual and
spiritual closeness over time, the potential for entering into inappropriate levels of intimacy are
very real.  Youth are much in need of information about the risks of such intimacies when
enjoyed apart from God's timetable and His plan for enjoyment with the protection of the
covenantal relationship of marriage.

Single Dating.  In late adolescence, most young people will narrow their dating to one person
who has surfaced as someone who is a real candidate for a life partner.  This is a time when
physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual ties deepen.  Communication moves from surface
levels to indepth self-disclosure.  Trust levels deepen.  Focus turns to shared life goals, spiritual
discovery, and emotional bonding.  In time, the personal and relational questions regarding
readiness for marriage have to be answered about this relationship.  Questions which must be
answered now and re-evaluated once again during the engagement period which follows.

     Personal questions:
     Is my relationship with Jesus personally satisfying?
     Do I have a positive outlook on life?
     Can I carry responsibility?
     Have I chosen a career?
     Am I a source of encouragement to others?
     Do I relate to my parents in an adult way?
     Do I recover quickly when I am emotionally hurt or angry?
     Am I ready to make a commitment to one person?
     Do others feel I am ready for marriage?

     Questions about a potential partner:
     Is this person committed to Christ?
     Do I have a strong sense that this person values much the same things in life as I do?
     Do I love this person deeply even with his/her flaws?
     Can I be flexible and accommodating of the ways in which this person is different from me?
     Do others feel I know this person well enough?

     Questions about your experience as a couple:
     Are we comfortable praying together?
     Have we shared our thoughts and feelings about God, church, Christian service, careers,
money, sexuality, in-laws, children, etc.?
     Do we know and accept one another's families?
     Have we planned how to reach our goals and how to adjust should we fail to reach them?
     Have we discussed our marriage pattern?  Who will carry what responsibilities?
     Can we trust each other with our deepest fears?
     Have we honestly compared our expectations of each other?
     Does our love allow for the individuality of each person?

     Are we financially able to take this step?
     Can we solve problems so that both persons' needs are met?
     Will we have the support of relatives and friends in our marriage?
     Have we sought the wisdom of our parents, pastor, and others who know us well to help us
make our final decision about marriage?

Ideally, this is the stage during which premarital counseling begins.


Engagement

During this period just prior to marriage, the final decision is made and plans are brought
together for the wedding service and the beginnings of life together as a married couple.  Again
the physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual bonds deepen to new levels of intimacy, and
couples need the practical support of those who care about them to maintain their decision for
chastity in keeping with God's design.  If they have not made this commitment or have begun
having sexual relations with one another, in the best case scenario the person(s) doing their
premarital counseling will be able to establish an atmosphere of trust such that the couple will be
able to be open and honest about their sexual relationship.  Whether or not the couple confide
their sexual intimacy, the pastor/counselor will take this opportunity to review again or introduce
the bonding sequence (see Content Resource for Parents and Teachers:  The Bonding Sequence)
with them.  Donald Joy, author of the classic Christian book on bonding, Bonding:  Relationships
in the Image of God, notes that if couples cease sexual relationship prior to marriage by even as
much as three months, some of the damage can be reversed.  However, pastors/counselors must
be careful not to jump to conclusions or accuse couples of premarital sex.  Rather they must
create an atmosphere of trust in which couples may feel free to share their experience.  Only then
should the issue be addressed personally, beyond the generalities of a discussion of human
bonding.


Marriage

As the last rung of the ladder is reached, the couple enter into a covenant relationship for life, in
the presence of God, one another, and their support circle of family and friends.  It is within the
marriage covenant that Christians stretch toward the restoration of the "naked and unashamed,"
one-flesh oneness of Eden.  Their nakedness represents full disclosure and intimacy physical,
emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual.  The same bonding steps which build a strong bond
in preparation for marriage, are now transversed again and again at deeper and deeper levels to
keep their bond strong.
                             Endnotes