A Biblical and Research-Based Guide to Education for Premarital Chastity
        A Supplementary Curriculum Guide for Sex Education
                            Grades 7-9

            Content Resource for Parents and Teachers

   Karen M. Flowers, General Conference Department of Family Ministries
                             Copyright ©  1998


                       The Bonding Sequence

There is ample evidence that human beings were born to bond.  We are, after all, made in the
image of a relational God.

The Bible's word for "bonding" is "cleave," which means "to adhere," "to stick together."  The
term is used in Scripture in the sense of a glue which holds objects together to describe the
tightness with which a fish's scales are interlinked (Job 41:15-17), the welding of a warrior's
hand to his sword (2 Samuel 23:10), and as a descriptor of the lack of cleavage between the iron
and clay on the feet of the great image of Daniel 2 (vs. 43).  It is also used to describe the
commitment of the psalmist to the testimonies of the Lord (Psalm 119:31) and of the strong
attraction that draws two together in a close relationship, i.e., husband and wife (Genesis 2:24),
people and God (Deuteronomy 10:30), and between friends (Proverbs 18:24).

Humans form a variety of bonds.  Marriage bonds (Genesis 24:67).  Parent-child bonds (Genesis
22:2).  Extended family bonds (Ruth 1:14-18).  Same-sex friendship bonds (1 Samuel 18:1-4). 
Opposite-sex friendship bonds (Genesis 24:67).

More specifically, Genesis 2:24 and 25 indicate a developmental pattern in God's original design
for male-female bonding in marriage.  The stages outlined are:  Leave.  Cleave.  One flesh. 
Naked and unashamed.  It is a pattern imprinted on human beings by the Creator Himself, and
the remnants remain despite sin.  As Ellen White illuminates:  "All parts of the human organism
including the "the senses, the faculties of the mind, . . . were placed under law."

Despite sin, the remnants of the bonding mechanism implanted in human beings at Creation are
still evident.  The process of bonding involves all of the senses, and represents a complex
exchange between persons involving every aspect of their beings.  The richest Scriptural example
of the human bonding process is the Song of Solomon.  It should be noted, however, that because
the Song is written as a poem with a chiastic structure, the development of the couples'
relationship is not reported in chronological order.  Consequently, neither is the bonding
sequence unfolded chronologically.

The bonding sequence has been "rediscovered" through the observations of a scientist working in
several cultures.  Progressive stages are marked by observable physical characteristics, but each
stage is characterized by a deepening level of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual
intimacy.  Donald Joy, in his book Bonding:  Relationships in the Image of God, parallels the
"leave, cleave, one flesh, naked and unashamed" sequence of Genesis with the observations of a
biologist and anthropologist who cites 12 steps in the human bonding process.

1.  Eye to body.  The first stage in which one person is attracted to the other.

2.  Eye to eye.  In order for the relationship to progress, the look of attraction must be returned.

3.  Voice to voice.  The delight taken in hearing one another's voice indicates a deepening
attraction.  A new avenue of communication is opened.

4.  Hand to hand.  Touch is added to the senses through which the relationship deepens.  A
message is now sent to the outside world that a relationship is developing.

5.  Arm to shoulder.  A gesture of protection and ownership signals a deepening wholistic bond. 
A strong message to the outside world registers:  We belong to one another.  This relationship is
going somewhere.

6.  Arm to waist.  A physical drawing close characterizes growing physical, intellectual,
emotional and spiritual closeness.  This is a stage for looking ahead, for evaluating the
relationship for its potential for lifelong commitment.

7.  Face to face.  The physical turning toward one another signals a deepening level of self-
disclosure and communication which opens new avenues for intimacy on all fronts.

8.  Hand to head.  This gesture, reserved by human beings primarily for family, speaks of the
deepening levels of trust developing between the couple.

9.  Hand to body.  This is not a gesture of sexual intimacy, but rather an indicator of acceptance
of one another, flaws and all.

10-12.  Mouth to breast.  Hand to genital.  Genital to genital.  Love-making at this stage
represents the deepest possible levels of the physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual
intimacy, intimacies which are too risky apart from the context of the covenantal relationship of
marriage.  Through their sexual love, Christian couples celebrate God's goodness in creating us
male and female and anticipate the promise of the full restoration of the joys of Eden in the life
of each married couple who are in Christ.

It could be envisioned that parents and teachers are from a child's earliest years preparing their
"bonding surface" for the best possible permanent attachment to a life partner in marriage when
adult maturity is reached and the couple are ready to take up adult responsibilities.  Good
preparation involves providing for healthy physical, emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual
development and for the best information and experiences possible to lead to wholistic maturity
and the choice of a suitable Christian partner.

The child's "bonding surface" could be likened to Velcro.  If it is clean free of the lint of abuse,
premarital sexual activity, erroneous information, etc. the bond will be the stronger when the two
surfaces are joined.  But if it is filled with impurities, the bond will be weakened and it will take
much more intentionality to maintain and sustain it.  Such impurities also increase dramatically a
child's vulnerability to premarital sex.

An understanding of the bonding sequence is important to parents and youth for several
important reasons:

1.  God has created us to bond.  Parents and teachers who facilitate sex education which provides
accurate information and encourages healthy personal and relational development in children and
youth are preparing good "bonding surfaces" within each child.  (For a list of information
appropriate to each level, birth to young adulthood, see Content Resource for Parents and
Teachers:  Teaching Your Child About Sexuality.)  This preparation creates the best hope that
they will be able to make wise decisions about the use of their sexual energy and form lasting
bonds with their eventual marriage partners.

2.  Steps 1-6 in the bonding sequence may be safely traversed with several possible life partners
without serious damage to the bonding capacities of each person if the relationship should be
broken.  The bonding sequence may be compared to a taxi ride, however, and the further a
couple goes through the sequence, the more it costs to get out, i.e., the more painful will be the
experience and the greater the likelihood that it will leave the "bonding surface" of the
individuals involved permanently marred and thus weaken future bonds.

3.  Once couples have crossed the line into steps 7 and beyond, the potential for pain and damage
to the "bonding surface" of each partner skyrockets with each progressive step traversed.

4.  Promiscuous bonding has been shown to put at risk a person's capacity to permanently bond.

5.  Bonds which are formed without the completion of the wholistic tasks of each step are
weakened and more easily broken.

6.  The physical indicators for each stage may or may not be publicly displayed within some
cultures.  What is significant, however, is not the public display of affection, but what is
happening between the couple wholistically as their bond deepens, whether the physical sign is
evident.  It should be noted that youth around the world are indicating clearly that they are
traversing these steps, physical indicators and all, "in the bushes," despite the denial of many
leaders and parents.  It is clear from Scripture that at least the last three steps are reserved for
within the bounds of the marriage covenant.

7.  The task of parents and teachers is to begin at birth (1) to prepare the "bonding surface" of
children and youth in anticipation of a strong marital bond; (2) to educate youth about the stages
of human bonding; and (3) to help youth to pace their passage along the Ladder of Love so as to
reach the final stages in conjunction with their arrival at adult maturity and their wedding day.

8.  We serve a God who stands ever ready to forgive, to heal our wounds, and to provide for new
beginnings.  This good news needs to be extended to youth who have made poor choices and
who would like to begin again with God and with better information and desires.  Parents and
teachers are the conveyors of this good news.

9.  The same 12 steps should outline the daily agenda for maintaining the treasured relationship
of marriage.  Healthy marriages require continuous traveling over the pair bonding sequence. 
Deliberate looking, touching, and setting aside time to be apart, just for themselves, are
important strategies in keeping marriages strong, enduring, and increasing in the quality and
depth of their intimacy.

10.  Choices regarding sexual behavior can be affected through sex education, but to a large
degree students' decisions regarding sexuality are related to the style of management in the
family/classroom system in which they are growing up.  The "intimate system" consistently
launches children most likely to adopt family values and at the least risk for destructive and/or
addictive behaviors.


                             Endnotes